It is well with my soul - Part 2

Serving as a hospital chaplain during the Covid-19 pandemic has been the hardest thing I have ever done.  As I said in my last post, I have been swimming in a sea of grief, fear and anxiety for two years.  I have been asked more times than I can count, “How do you do it?” and “How do you keep doing it?”

Not only am I a hospital chaplain, but I am also a husband and the father of two elementary age children.  Every day, I have a pile of family responsibilities in addition to the work I do at the hospital.  Between family and hospital responsibilities, each day can be overwhelming.

Patient encounters can be intense, emotional, and difficult.  Parenting is hard (I see many of you nodding your heads!).  My wife’s job is even harder than mine – she needs my support and encouragement also.  So how does one handle each of these responsibilities adequately each day?

You don’t!  As someone with perfectionist tendencies, I can say that perfectionism is exhausting – physically and emotionally.  One of the most important things I have done during the past two years is to extend grace to myself each day. 

I learned this when I was the caregiver for my dying mother.  Every day was a whirlwind, and it was easy to feel like a failure each day as husband, father, and son.  However, I learned to give myself some grace.  I realized that each day I did the very best I could in each situation with the information, energy, and time that I had in that moment.  That is really all anyone can expect.

While I strive to be excellent in each of my roles, I remember that perfectionism is the enemy of done.  Each day, I leave the hospital lamenting the visits that did not go as I hoped, not being able to visit as long as seemed needed, or the visits I did not have time to make.  If I do not resolve a conflict between my children in an ideal way, I reflect on how I might handle it better the next time – but I let it go! (Cue Disney’s Esla…)  Each day, I have a choice to make.  I can beat myself over the things that were not perfect, or I can let it go and give myself some grace.  I have learned to choose grace.

Grace is so central to Christian theology, and yet many Christians have trouble extending that grace to themselves.  Researcher Dr. Kristin Neff uses the term self-compassion and has identified three key components:  self-kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness.

Be kind to yourself – if you need to rest, then rest!  Do not be your own worst critic.  Be kind and tell yourself you did the best you could in that moment.  Remember that everyone – and I mean everyone – is struggling to get everything done just like you.  Anyone who makes everything look perfect and easy is just really good at keeping their mask on and maintaining the illusion.  To be less than perfect and drop a ball every now and then makes you a human being – nothing more, nothing less.

Mindfulness may be the most important part of extending yourself grace.  Before perfectionist thoughts start to run wild and derail my emotional health, I name them and park them to the side.  I remind myself that I am not a bad chaplain; I am a good chaplain who had a less-than-ideal encounter.  I am not a bad father; I am a good father who had a less-than-perfect parenting moment.  I am not a bad husband; I am a good husband who forgot to do something my wife asked me to (I know I have a lot of company on this one!)

No matter who you are, what you do for a living, or what your family situation looks like, give yourself some grace.  This practice has gotten me through two years of a pandemic – maybe it can help you too.